Why Is Everyone Getting Married…Except For Me? -by Sharron Todd
Yesterday I attended one of my best friend’s bridal showers. I’m the Maid of Honor in her upcoming wedding. She looked so beautiful and was radiating so much love. And she deserves every bit of happiness that is coming to her. There were about 40 other women there…and guess what? They were all either engaged or married already. My friend Keisha and I were the ONLY single women there. We looked around at all these smiling faces and diamond rings. We endured the conversations about wedding planning, honeymoon talk etc. And the question that kept lingering in my head…Why isn’t that me?
I have a fantastic, but new, relationship right now (actually it’s by far the best relationship I’ve ever had). But being me, of course I’m dating someone on the other side of the world. I’m in my 30’s and I still haven’t fostered a relationship that would last through the end of time. Keisha and I talked about it on our way back to Brooklyn. She felt the same. We’re both attractive. Why aren’t we there, yet?
For me, I haven’t made decisions in my life that would lead up to a marriage. I’m incredibly independent, I’m a nomad, have different tastes and ultimately my relationship choices haven’t been conducive to sustaining a long-term partnership. What’s ironic is that for as far as I can remember, a loving partnership is all that I’ve ever consistently wanted out of life. So, why haven’t I attained that? Here are a couple of ideas that I came up with last night:
Not Being Honest
Independence can be a bit sticky. With the progressive movement of “women’s independence” there came attached a deterioration of nuclear families; roles of men in relationships became unclear and ultimately, what we want as women have changed (for better and worse).
These days they say that you don’t have to be married. Open relationships are accepted more and more. They tell you to wait on having children. Where these scenarios work for some women, it doesn’t work for me! I still want a marriage and to build my own family. But I sometimes tell people what they want to hear.
For example, if I’m dating a man that is allergic to commitment, I tend to say “oh well, let’s just go with the flow” or “I’m not looking to marry you right now.” The truth is, I’m over the period in my life where I just date someone to be dating them. Been there, done that. I don’t want to marry just anyone, but I do want to eventually be married. If that makes my man uncomfortable or pushes him away, then I’ll help him find the door. It’s important to have your future plans somewhat aligned with the person you’re dating. It’s even more important to convey that to them, openly and honestly.
Dating A Man Who Clearly Wants The Opposite Of Marriage
Several years ago I dated someone who I thought to be the “perfect man.” We went to college together, were only friends at the time but we had a lot of things in common. When we started dating, there were signs early on that he wasn’t the right fit. But I ignored them because I thought that there were more positives based off our history than negatives. He turned out to be damn near evil! When we first started dating he expressed a lot of reservations about being in a committed relationship. He had already been with hundreds of women (yes HUNDREDS). It made sense to me that maybe he had reached a point where he was worn out from bouncing from women to women and that he was ready to settle down. Boy was I wrong.
What do they say? “Listen to people when they are trying to tell you who they are.” Some women never learn. We think that time will change a man and what he wants. Where that’s sometimes true, as much as any of us change, we will remain a variation of who we are now and who we’ve always been. A man is telling you that he isn’t looking for a commitment right now, that he doesn’t plan on getting married, that he doesn’t want children—BELIEVE HIM. Just believe him. And if what he wants isn’t the same as what you want, then you know what to do next.
There are of course other factors, but not being honest with yourself and what you want and also dating men who will clearly not settle down anytime soon won’t get you to the alter and the “happily ever after.” What do you think?
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