The answer is NO! Last season I wrote a few behind the scenes exclusives regarding drama between Joy Bounds (Life Jennings ex), Tameka Tiny Cottle, and Toya Carter. Joy Bounds basically accused Tiny and Toya of stealing her reality show idea, amongst other things (read back story here). Tiny contacted me to set the record straight but the interview didn’t happen due to some “scheduling” reasons.
Yesterday, I received another tip regarding some jealousy and beef brewing between Tiny and Toya over the fact that Toya received her own TV show, while Tiny was left out. The reason I ran last season’s story is because I felt there was some validity to Joy Bound’s claims. The reason I will NOT run this new story is because someone is trying knock the pedestal from under Tiny & Toya, and I do NOT want to be apart of that. I respect black women branding themselves and becoming a business, a business not dependent on a man, or a famous ex. So, I’m actually happy that Antonia Carter has created her own path.
Anyway, I received some exclusive tweets that Tiny wrote regarding Toya. These tweets were sent as evidence that Tiny is jealous of Toya, and Toya wouldn’t be anything if it wasn’t for Tiny.
Walks Like a Duck, Quacks Like a Duck: He’s a Cheater
I dated this man after about 8 years of knowing him. We went to college together, were only ever friends and had a lot in common. It seemed like basic mathematics that we’d be a good match. While I was basking in the idea that he was a good communicator, I absolutely overlook him COMMUNICATING to me that he had a slew of women in college and after college (or that he joked that he’d make a good pimp). I felt special (and maybe even set apart from other women) because he shared information that I thought he’d only share with the boys.
On my birthday, he went missing, and after several calls I got nothing. The excuse I got the next day was that he left his phone at home and couldn’t call. But, when I later found home-made sex videos that he had made with other several other women, I can’t say that I was completely shocked. My mouth dropped to the floor (along with my heart)… but shocked, not completely. Only then did I start to replay the things that he said to me and his actions on a day to day basis, etc. Then I remembered someone telling me before, “Listen to a man when he’s trying to tell you who he is.”
Part II: Hear it Straight From Them: “Why do Men Cheat?”
“A man’s guilt extends as far as the pain he causes his lover, NOT in the actions. If the deed never comes to light, then neither does the remorse or the incentive to not do it again.”
Instead of saturating the little space that I have with my own commentary, here’s a straight up list of the top 15 reasons why men say they cheat. What’s more important in this piece is that you all share your thoughts on their reasons. So, leave a comment and we’ll discuss it.
In no particular order:
1. “In my opinion, I think that a lot of men are as faithful as their options. Tiger Woods the pro golfer/billionaire had access to almost any and everything he wanted, including a lot of women throwing themselves at him…hence more options.” I believe that’s why you find a lot of politicians, athletes, musicians and people with money (power) cheating more.
2. “In many ways, I think men are predisposed to cheating because of our biology. Men can reproduce far more frequently than women, so there’s this primordial impulse to spread our seed. Women on the other hand are born with all the eggs they’ll ever have and thus far more selective in choosing a mate.”
3. “I needed something to stroke my ego and she wasn’t doing it anymore…I turned to my options.”
4. “The reasons men cheat are as varied as the women they cheat on. While no two cases are exactly alike, I think that it is safe to say that men cheat for the same reason women do: because they’re unhappy.”
5. “In my lil’ Nigerian opinion, men cheat cause they WANT TO. Period.”
PART I: All Men Cheat. Expect and Accept It
A friend of mine that I used to date off-and-on for several years, asked me to marry him. Well, kind of. He’s been in the music industry for about 20 years now and he has seen and probably done it all. So he says to me, “There’s a reason you and I have known each other for 10 years. We can be married by next year if you can grow up and just accept that from time to time I’ll have a little bit of fun on the side. But just remember, I’ll be coming home to you.” Not his exact words, but almost verbatim. So, I’m thinking, really? Aww, I feel really special! Can I really be your wife? Do you promise? Come on.
Actually, after laughing what people close to me call my “machine gun” laugh (the kind of laughter where your entire body shakes and you could possibly be having an epileptic seizure), I said, “maybe in another life, when honesty and loyalty mean absolutely nothing to me.”
It’s great that we can both laugh about it. Because he has been so up front over the years, we’ve been able to remain friends. Do you know why? He gave me a choice. He told me what it is, and I opted out. My problem is when men want to keep their partners, lie, cheat and then sometimes turn it on women and our “obvious lack of understanding” about how they operate.
Should you expect your man to cheat? Maybe.
Just Got A Man:
“Now , How Do I Keep Him?!”
You know how some people say that “there are no bad questions except the ones you don’t ask.” They’re wrong. This is a bad question. There’s something overly self-deprecating, if not desperate, about this question. Better questions: How do you keep it interesting? How do you two create a healthy relationship?
If you’re constantly having to tap dance in order to keep his attention, you might have a problem. Reinventing the relationship years down the road to keep it fresh is alright. Running around acting like he’s your last shot at a good life…well, that’ll make you tired. And if anything, it’ll be obvious to him. If you’re being anything but YOURSELF when you’re in a relationship, the real you will eventually be exposed.
Now, am I saying to walk into a relationship screaming “This is me, hear me roar?!” Not at all. That’ll get you left too.
Ultimately, being with someone is a CHOICE. Your choice and his choice. You can stay or you can leave. If you’re crying out (even internally), “Please don’t leave me! You’re the best I’ll ever do!” or “I’ll never meet anyone else,” I honestly don’t think you’re ready to be in a relationship, much less a healthy one.
Several years back, I was dating this painter. Mind you, I don’t have a clue about painting or art. But he was passionate about art. I mean REALLY passionate. He kept dropping names of artists throughout the centuries and I would nod my head as if I knew who in the world he was talking about. I found myself at work googling artwork and artists so that I could seem more “refined” in conversations with him about the subject. I didn’t have time to be doing all that! I was working crazy corporate hours. And honestly, it was wearing me out.
I was so busy googling and pretending, that I didn’t even take the time to realize that we had absolutely nothing in common except our first mutual attraction and our pseudo conversations on art. So, I found the audacity to break up with him because I was feeling silly (and because he was a little too “passionate”). At the end of the day, it would’ve just been nice to learn about art from him. None of us will ever come to the table knowing everything about everything. We won’t EVER be every single thing that another person wants us to be. It’s just so much easier and less dramatic just to be yourself. What’s even more ironic, your partner is most likely looking for you to be you as well. If not, he or she should be.
You know how men talk about them feeling “tricked” into dating a woman? Whether she played it too cool in the beginning or acted like certain things didn’t bother her? Well, purposely “liking” the things that he likes, doing things the way he likes them done and not showing more of YOU is a bad recipe for a relationship.
What do you think? How do we draw the line between compromising and compromising ourselves?