I fell in love with a perfect man many years ago. He was beautiful, intelligent, philanthropic, he loved all music to include hip-hop, he loved everything about me and who I was as a person. One problem. He was married.
“If he was spending time with me, he certainly wasn’t spending it with his pregnant wife.”
Now, I knew him and fell in love with him before he was even married. But at that time I was unavailable because I was dating a friend of his. When I finally became single he was married. Anyone with a moral compass that works would know to leave it completely alone— but I got as close to the fine line as possible.
We emailed everyday. He sent me newspaper clippings from the New York Times about things that were going on in the world. We’d have lengthy email discussions about every topic under the sun from politics to philanthropy. I’d share my writings with him and he loved them. I told myself that all this communication with him was harmless since we weren’t doing anything physical.
One day we decided to meet up for a harmless lunch. Then one lunch turned into other lunches and then to dinner and he even visited my apartment. AGAIN, I was convinced that if we weren’t doing anything physical, it wasn’t an affair. But it was. Eventually, his wife got pregnant and we decided to end our “non-affair.”
I felt righteous about our decision and even remembered patting myself on the back. It took several years later to realize how low-down and wrong I was. Point blank–I was the other woman. If he was spending time with me, he certainly wasn’t spending it with his pregnant wife.
Women either criticize or glorify situations like Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz, Fantasia and Antwuan Cook, Tiger Woods and all his women; Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. These relationships may in fact last happily ever after—but the people they hurt along the way and the consequences for their actions will never be forgotten. Like my friend said to me, “How you get your man, is how you lose him.”
Here are 3 reasons I gave myself to justify my affair:
I Don’t Know His Wife
There isn’t the slightest importance attached to whether you know the person you are hurting or not. So telling yourself that it’s okay to fool around with a married man just because you don’t know his wife is a cop out. You know what it is to be a woman. You know how hard it is to maintain a relationship. You may even know what it feels like for your partner to cheat on you. If you’re looking for a way to clear your conscious then I suggest ending the affair.
It’s Fate: We’re Meant For Each Other
If you’re really meant to be with him, then let him go. Fate won’t be affected by any variable. It might be true that you were meant to be together, but not while he is married. If you don’t believe in the importance of marriage and the spiritual (and legal) bond that it represents— have at it and good luck with your karma.
He Loves Me
That might be true, but it’s questionable. Even if he loves you, is he the right person for you? I’ve dated men that have loved me their best and they still weren’t the right fit. And ladies, let me tell you, if he’s married or has a girlfriend, he is NOT the right fit. How can he show you loyalty if he is disloyal to his wife and you? How can he show you honesty when he is lying to his wife? How can he show you respect when he is disrespecting his wife and his marriage?
Let me not pretend that it’s easy to break it off with anyone that you love, no matter the circumstance. My first advice is to avoid these types of relationships before they even start. If a man is married, engaged or has a girlfriend, he is not yours to date. If he’s going through a bad time in his relationship with his partner or even if he plans to divorce her, give him the space to correct it or end it before he starts a new relationship with you.
Women complain about cheating men all the time. But these men couldn’t cheat if other women weren’t so readily available to have an affair. If we’re all so eager for love, how can we, in the same breath, steal it from someone else?
Share your thoughts on this sticky subject. Do you think all rules are off if you fall in love with a man that is already taken?
-Sharron Todd
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- Why Is Everyone Getting Married…Except For Me? -by Sharron Todd
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SylentDreamz
Comment made on 08/25/2010 @ 18:05
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Well said! Do unto others as you would have others do unto you!
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MrsGrapevine 2 Reply:
August 27th, 2010 at 06:42
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@SylentDreamz,
Co-Sign!
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nicolefromphilly
Comment made on 08/25/2010 @ 18:50
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1.What you had my dear was an emotional affair which can be worse than the physical one.
2. It sounded as if you fell in love with the idea of who you thought he was outwardly.
3.Yes! A person should not put themselves in the situation although the woman the man is cheating with (emotionally or physically) may not know his wife/woman directly but TRUST she knows about you..it is intuition that a woman get that something is not right! (The same when a man knows he may not be doing right! and his wife/woman is singing a smiling singing Tony Terry when I’m with you etc. He knows he didn’t put the smile there someone else had”) same with the woman/wife she knows it just depends on how she decide to handle it.
4. Men cheating handbook stays the same only thing that change are the players of the game
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Sharron Todd Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 10:09
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@nicolefromphilly, it was absolutely an emotional affair. And I further justified it because I knew him before he was married. Just wrong.
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nicolefromphilly Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 12:48
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@Sharron Todd, I wanted to ad the article was still a good read,and appreciate that you shared it with us.
Thank You
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Sharron Todd Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 17:04
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@nicolefromphilly, Thanks so much. It was actually really hard for me to put myself out there. But I hope it helps someone!
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culoo2 Reply:
August 27th, 2010 at 13:22
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@Sharron Todd, Hi I was in the same type of relationship that went further physically. I felt bad, low and downright foolish. For believing everythin he said. He’s still chasing me even though we are finished.
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Anonymous
Trackback made on 08/25/2010 @ 18:54
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Twitter Trackbacks…
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Carrien
Comment made on 08/25/2010 @ 19:38
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I need to share this post with some people. some people just have to go through the rama to get the big picture though
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Sharron Todd Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 10:10
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@Carrien, hey lady! Yes, there are plenty of people that needs to read this article. Things are getting out of control.
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Anita
Comment made on 08/25/2010 @ 19:58
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Thank u for your honesty. Well said!
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Sharron Todd Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 10:11
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@Anita, Thank you for reading the article! I feel that it’s easier to point fingers and then try to give advice to people. But people usually listen when someone can empathize or identify with their situation.
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Becoming The Other Woman – My Personal Journey | HipHopSeason.com
Pingback made on 08/25/2010 @ 20:45
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[...] the original post here: Becoming The Other Woman – My Personal Journey Share and [...]
resurrected
Comment made on 08/26/2010 @ 04:53
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Good post and I like what she said about how can you really say if the person really loves you when he does not show loyalty and respect to the one that he is living with. So many women on the side always swear the man is so unhappy at home when most of the time that is farthest from the truth he just wants to play and many other women always give him the opportunity. That is why at the end of the day I like seeing a man with standards, character and a mind of his own that has nothing to do with peer pressure of the world pressure because he knows where he stands.
I meant it is very obvious that a lot of man will just soak up your time and body but that never means that he really wants you or even wants a life with you he is just playing on the idea of options.
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Sharron Todd Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 10:15
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@resurrected,I will say that this particular man did express (when his wife got pregnant) felt like he was two-faced and he was crossing lines. We were just both ready at the same time to go no further with our “relationship”. We even forfeited our friendship eventually all together.
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resurrected Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 10:47
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@Sharron Todd,
I guess the only way to really learn is to go through it but I am glad that you made the right choice. Hopefully he is a different man as well.
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resurrected
Comment made on 08/26/2010 @ 06:39
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On top of that a person is only a sum total of their choices so if this man/ woman never shows you any real moral or intellectual value then how can you really measure the fabric of that person? Most of us are only caught in our own fantasy and don’t even care about the other side because they also plain to be untrustworthy themselves. Birds of a feather flock together. This speaks volumes about Tiger situation and now he does not know what emotions to display so golf is his only fantasy and hope I bet if he was married to golf he would never cheat. Most of us lack so much discipline to even try to walk in a straight line.
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janetfromNC
Comment made on 08/26/2010 @ 07:14
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Hopefully this article helps the other women in the world that are comfortable being sideline chick/ the other woman. I have always set my standards too high, to allow a man to put me second! I have to much respect for myself and a married mans vows, and most importantly GOD’S COMMANDMENTS! WAKE UP WOMEN BC ALWAYS REMEMBER-WHATS DONE IN THE DARK, ALWAYS COME TO THE LIGHT!
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Sharron Todd Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 17:05
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@janetfromNC, that was the aim, so yes, helpfully it does help someone.
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Sharron Todd Reply:
August 27th, 2010 at 07:06
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@Sharron Todd, i meant hopefully.
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Ms.Observant
Comment made on 08/26/2010 @ 08:24
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Well said. Common sense to most, but this needs to be reinforced since so many people are falling to adultery.
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Sharron Todd Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 17:06
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@Ms.Observant, Thank you. Sometimes we all lose our common sense one way or another.
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Cole
Comment made on 08/26/2010 @ 15:18
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Im glad you are a strong woman and did not get physical with this man knowing he had a wife, this shows you have so much respect for yourself and very wise, when a man wants something, he will say what is neccessary to get it, even if it is I Love You!!! And not her!….You would think people like Alicia, Angelina, and Fantasia, would be more respectful by being women in the public eye, but they are not. Im glad we do have everyday, ordinary women with good morals, whom we can communicate with like yourself, rather than seeing these women in the public eye yet have no morals at all. None of these relationships will end happily ever after, dont believe what they put before you, wait and see dont they all fall!! God cannot lie, if the wives of the men these women stole are true children of God, his word will come to pass in their lives, and God will fight their battle!!! They shall reap what they sowed.
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Sharron Todd Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 17:08
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@Cole, Thank you Cole, but I might be strongER than other women in the same situation, but I wasn’t too strong. If I had been acting better, I wouldn’t even consider interacting with him the way I did. Most importantly, God wasn’t at the forefront of my life at the time…and once I changed that…I changed and the things I did changed as well.
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culoo2
Comment made on 08/27/2010 @ 13:24
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This went on for 25 years until I ended it.
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Confessions_L_A
Comment made on 08/29/2010 @ 20:37
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There should be some accurate statistical data to verify that 4 in 8 women are jumpoffs in Atlanta. The problem: They don’t care, The solution: The main woman does something about it. Never allow yourself to be second best as the main or sideline, these men need to learn that they can not have it both ways. Glad to see this situation showed you your worth. Be sure to visit our blog Confessions of a Love Addict at http://www.beanznmcgee.blogspot.com
happy reading!!!
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Wifey
Comment made on 09/01/2010 @ 11:19
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WOW, this article really spoke volumes, i myself am married and my husband cheated on me. It really caused alot of hurt/pain/distrust in the relationship. I really wish women would take the time to look at it from the other women’s perspective because if it were you no matter what you say/think you would be devastated if this happened to you. My husband and I did counseling and it has been a lonnnnng hard road of recovery for us but im thankful to God that we were able to finally get through it and now 3yrs later after finding out im able to think about it and discuss it without getting angry and/or feeling that devastation all over again. Thanks for sharing, and thanks for being woman enough to end things because im sure that wasn’t easy.
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MrsGrapevine 2 Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 13:34
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@Wifey,
It’s hard staying in the relationship when you’ve been hurt like that. I am glad to see that when you said for better or for worse you really meant it. Me, I can’t say I would stay, so let’s hope I’m never in that situation. But it takes hard work to stay married and keep your family together.
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BABYMAMA DRAMA
Comment made on 11/02/2010 @ 07:41
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IM CURRENTLY IN A SITUATION THATS NOT UNDERSTANDABLE. TO ME HOW CAN YOU CHEAT ON THE WOMAN THATS CARRYS YOUR SEED. I DONT HAVE ISSUES WITH THE OTHER WOMAN. SHE DIDNT GET ME PREG. BUT THEN AGAIN THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN SOME COMMON SENSE. IF I HAD HAPPEND TO HER I KNOW THAT SHE WOULD FEEL HORRIBLE INSIDE. HOW CAN HE LOVE HER IF HE CANT LOVE THE MOTHER OF HIS KIDS. NEITHER ONE HAS RESPECT FOR THEMSELVES. (NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE I OFFENDED).
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