I fell in love with a perfect man many years ago. He was beautiful, intelligent, philanthropic, he loved all music to include hip-hop, he loved everything about me and who I was as a person. One problem. He was married.
“If he was spending time with me, he certainly wasn’t spending it with his pregnant wife.”
Now, I knew him and fell in love with him before he was even married. But at that time I was unavailable because I was dating a friend of his. When I finally became single he was married. Anyone with a moral compass that works would know to leave it completely alone— but I got as close to the fine line as possible.
We emailed everyday. He sent me newspaper clippings from the New York Times about things that were going on in the world. We’d have lengthy email discussions about every topic under the sun from politics to philanthropy. I’d share my writings with him and he loved them. I told myself that all this communication with him was harmless since we weren’t doing anything physical.
One day we decided to meet up for a harmless lunch. Then one lunch turned into other lunches and then to dinner and he even visited my apartment. AGAIN, I was convinced that if we weren’t doing anything physical, it wasn’t an affair. But it was. Eventually, his wife got pregnant and we decided to end our “non-affair.”
I felt righteous about our decision and even remembered patting myself on the back. It took several years later to realize how low-down and wrong I was. Point blank–I was the other woman. If he was spending time with me, he certainly wasn’t spending it with his pregnant wife.
Women either criticize or glorify situations like Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz, Fantasia and Antwuan Cook, Tiger Woods and all his women; Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. These relationships may in fact last happily ever after—but the people they hurt along the way and the consequences for their actions will never be forgotten. Like my friend said to me, “How you get your man, is how you lose him.”
Here are 3 reasons I gave myself to justify my affair:
I Don’t Know His Wife
There isn’t the slightest importance attached to whether you know the person you are hurting or not. So telling yourself that it’s okay to fool around with a married man just because you don’t know his wife is a cop out. You know what it is to be a woman. You know how hard it is to maintain a relationship. You may even know what it feels like for your partner to cheat on you. If you’re looking for a way to clear your conscious then I suggest ending the affair.
It’s Fate: We’re Meant For Each Other
If you’re really meant to be with him, then let him go. Fate won’t be affected by any variable. It might be true that you were meant to be together, but not while he is married. If you don’t believe in the importance of marriage and the spiritual (and legal) bond that it represents— have at it and good luck with your karma.
He Loves Me
That might be true, but it’s questionable. Even if he loves you, is he the right person for you? I’ve dated men that have loved me their best and they still weren’t the right fit. And ladies, let me tell you, if he’s married or has a girlfriend, he is NOT the right fit. How can he show you loyalty if he is disloyal to his wife and you? How can he show you honesty when he is lying to his wife? How can he show you respect when he is disrespecting his wife and his marriage?
Let me not pretend that it’s easy to break it off with anyone that you love, no matter the circumstance. My first advice is to avoid these types of relationships before they even start. If a man is married, engaged or has a girlfriend, he is not yours to date. If he’s going through a bad time in his relationship with his partner or even if he plans to divorce her, give him the space to correct it or end it before he starts a new relationship with you.
Women complain about cheating men all the time. But these men couldn’t cheat if other women weren’t so readily available to have an affair. If we’re all so eager for love, how can we, in the same breath, steal it from someone else?
Share your thoughts on this sticky subject. Do you think all rules are off if you fall in love with a man that is already taken?
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