Here at MrsGrapevine.com, we want to bring you more than just celebrity gossip to enhance your reading experience, and give you a chance to express your opinions on things that matter to you. I would like to introduce you to Sharron Todd, our new feature writer. Every week she will share relationship advice and discuss important topics regarding women and dating. So enjoy!
How Making An Unrealistic List for the Man of Your Dreams Stops You From Actually Finding Him
He’s gotta be black. Tall, or at least taller than me. He’s gotta have a high paying job. He’s gotta have a 4 year degree. He’s gotta make me a priority 99% of the time. He has to like my family. He has to believe in God in exactly the same way I do. He’s gotta be physically strong. He has to be a certain age. He has to be fine. He has to be liked by everyone. He has to dress well. He has to be a lil’ hood, but also sensitive at the same time. He has to love the things that I love.
Let me know when you find one man who meets ALL of these expectations. And when you DON’T, let’s start talking the real talk. The first thing you need to do is take your favorite lipstick and cross out 50% of your “list” and then you’ve just come up with a more realistic idea of what the love of your life should look like.
With all the music, movies, urban legends and the looking on everyone else’s plate, I get why women have this delusion of what a “real man” should be. But ladies, women, girls…we will continue to fly solo if we don’t change our perspective.
Prince Charming died on the way to the real world. He doesn’t exist.
Being realistic doesn’t mean lowering your expectations. It means adjusting it. Being realistic means understanding that when a man and a woman choose each other, they are two completely individual human beings with varied tastes, likes and dislikes, beliefs, visions, desires and physicality. If you’re looking for someone who will meet every desire that you have, date YOURSELF. Otherwise, let’s join the rest of our happily dating and married friends.
When I talk to my single friends about why they’re single, most of them say that they’re afraid of “settling” for less than they deserve. So, the ultimate question becomes, “What Do You Deserve?” I can answer that for you. You deserve loyalty. Someone responsible (but not without error). Fidelity. Acceptance. Honesty. You deserve for someone to tell you when you’re wrong. Above all, you deserve someone who will walk shoulder to shoulder with you, hand in hand, through all the curve balls that life throws at you.
When your skin starts to sag, your stretch marks become more visible, you’re less pretty, gain weight, get too skinny, lose your job, experience death with family or friends, on your menstrual cycle, no longer get your menstrual cycle, have depression, lose confidence, become irrelevant to the world….if the man sitting in front of you can look you in the eyes and say he’s still in love with you…you’ve just hit the jackpot.
Want to read more on this subject click here for another perspective by Candy Diaries.
Similar Posts:
- Why Is Everyone Getting Married…Except For Me? -by Sharron Todd
- Halle Berry Is Gorgeous On The Cover Of Vogue Magazine
- Raven Symone: “My Pefect Guy Would Be A Mannequin”
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thanks mrs g for keeping us thinking. this is great.
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I don’t know where this list idea came from, but it’s ridiculous and a waist of time.
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I have to agree with Southern Princess. For some reason there’s been an influx of relationship “experts” popping up and each has stressed the importance of lists. While I do think everyone should have an idea of the absolute “must haves” they want in a relationship, the rest is just unnecessary noise.
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@ATLGirl73, I obviously agree with both you and Southern Princess as well. We continue to be force-fed a lot of regurgitated advice on what to look for in a man. But at the end of the day, we’re just all imperfect! More importantly, I agree that the “must haves” should stay entact. There are some things we shouldn’t ever compromise.
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It’s important to look at what you bring to the relationship not just what’s coming to you. I agree. Young women should have standards, yes, but too much on the list means you’re looking for God not a mate.
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@Nordette aka Verite, preach it! My friend and I were just having this conversation. Who convinced us that our standards had to be so high, that we ourselves couldn’t meet them?
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i know that the first thing to do when looking at a list of qualities you want in a mate is to ask yourself “how many of these qualities do i actually have going on with me?” if it’s hardly any, you might not connect with the man on your “list”. like attracts like, yes?
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@invisiblewoman,
That’s my thing, how can you have a list of expectations that you don’t even meet. If you were dating yourself, would you even pass your standards.
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@MrsGrapevine, GREAT point!
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I’ve heard single friends mention most of the things on this list. I agree with the person who said to really think about what you are bringing to the relationship. I also think you should open your mind and think outside of the box sometimes. You may unexpectedly meet someone great
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@Trin, thinking outside the box has personally opened a world of experiences in relationships, plutonic and otherwise, for me.
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@Trin, would you consider dating outside of your race or someone who has a “shady” past?
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I work at an all female college where I have an opportunity to interact with young women of all cultures and backgrounds. There is one constant among the hundreds of women that I interact act with & that is the theory of the perfect man to sweep them off of their feet. Most of us guys are just looking for someone that we can chill with, that looks good & don’t have too many bad dad issues. What I am basically saying is this, ladies, just be friends first. Stop analyzing every guy that you meet and seeing if he meets your approval. When you are friends, you can see all of his faults & good qualities without clouding it up with the relationship issues that we all tend to carry. Then 1 day down the road you may realize that he is what you have been wanting all along. I used this approach, was friends with a young lady and now 15 years later we are happily married going on 10 years. Just be patient and find someone that just wants to hang out with you to just hang….true love will develop. Trust me!
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@Walkerk23, ahhh, refreshing to hear some perspective from a man.
It’s wonderful to hear that you have been happily married for 10 years. So what do you say to the ladies who will inevitably always be romantics? Even realistic romantics?
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@Sharron Todd, I would tell romantics to be patient & learn your man. Some of us guys (not myself) have been raised in single parent households where the mother often worked multiple jobs to keep finances flowing & were not exposed to actual romance between parents. Hell, a lot of women don’t know what romance looks like as well. Ask any of your female friends whats romantic, they will probably give you some variation of going to a nice restaurant or being taken somewhere nice. In my experiences, nice often meant expensive. My idea of romance is listening to the woman about things that they like then acting on it. When you have to spend money on being romantic, are you truly being romantic? In my opinion you aren’t you are just flaunting money. It takes creativity to be a true romantic & ladies really need to understand that. Ladies also need to be really honest and ask themselves do they really want to be in a relationship anyway.
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@Walkerk23, well I’m starting to hear less of the “nice dinners” etc these days. Now I’m just hearing, “Girl, I just want him to call me back.” lol I’ve wondered how much of these things are we miscommunicating. For example, a couple of summers ago I went out on a first date with this man. He showed up to my apt with 24 roses (that was sweet) and then we headed out for a lunch date (which I prefer over dinner). So, before we get there, he’s like “I have a surprise for you.” We stop in this expensive shoe store and he says, “You can have whatever you want in here.” I looked down at my converse tennis shoes and looked back up at him and thought, “when will this date be over.”
I agree 100%, maybe even 1000%, that it takes creativity to be a true romantic. I do think a lot more women these days understand that after witnessing or experiencing countless failed relationshps. But I like that you brought up another crucial topic, “Do we even really want to be in a relationship?” How do you even answer that? I think most people, both men and women, are weary, if not terrified, of being alone for the rest of their lives with not one single true companion. I guess in the meantime, they’ll just have to keep trying on shoes. 
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@Sharron Todd, I agree lists have to be tossed out the window without settling. How to find that balance, I have no clue. The same way we don’t have lists to determine our friends, we shouldn’t have them for our potential partners. (And if you do have lists for friends to match up to, let us know how that’s working because I can’t see it resulting in lifelong friendship). People are always changing even if not drastically. On the romance point, I think we may all agree money doesn’t equal romance. I love dressing up, nice dinners, and cheesey cliche dates…but those aren’t always the most romantic…or even romantic at all depending on who you are with. Simplicity is key for me. An example of romance in my life was a simple date early on in a relationship. We went to the grocery store and bought marbles and army men. We went back to his place and cleared out the livingroom, set up our sides of the room with our armies and took turns flicking a marble across to take each others men out until someone won (eh-hem, me. lol). Being a person that LOVES games, it was my kind of romance. We laughed and trash-talked and I felt relaxed, unjudged, innocent even. We’ve now been married over ten years and we clear out our livingroom every so often to play war with the same army men from that date long ago. Except now, we play with our three children. It’s sweet and romantic (my kind, anyway) and still will be when we’ve been married for forty years.
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@Walkerk23,
I agree my husband was my friend first, and everything else fell in place. No lists, and if I had a list he probably wouldn’t have made it.
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I’ve been there and done that with the whole list thing. I found for me it doesn’t work. We usually focus on all the wrong things and when we find someone that meets at least one quality no matter how small it may be we run with it. I had to realize that there is no “perfect” man out there, but there is a person with the perfect imperfections. Like you said, loyalty, fidelity, and acceptance is more important.I also found finding someone that you can build a team. Relationships/marriage is a effort on both parts so you have to work as a team to meet whatever goals you have. Just because he’s fine and your fiends think you look cute together doesn’t cut it. If he doesn’t bring anything to the table other than a cute smile he’s a waste of your time.
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@VI, being fine only gets you so far. You’re so right about women focusing on all the wrong things. I’ll have to admit that I had a list at some point too. A man had to be black, Christian and someone I had known for several years. I started dating a friend I knew from college who met this criteria. Oooo weee, I couldn’t have been more wrong!! What do you think is something that you won’t back down on, though?
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@Sharron Todd, the one thing I need for this man to have is confidence and have some sort of goals in life. Well I guess that’s two things. I need someone who’s always finds ways to progress. I know so many people that settle and don’t see anything for their future. I can’t deal with people like that. If there is no progression I can’t expect us to get anywhere.
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@VI, I think that’s realistic. Honestly, a confident person will automatically have goals in life, or at least a desire to grow.
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well written, as a man women seem to be occupied about the unreal as opposed to the real and many would not know a so caled good man if he were in front of their face. Seems that the way they see themselves (eg beauty surface and shape) limits their ability to see outsid of that in others – my 2 cents
for more chk this
http://rawdawgb.blogspot.com/2008/05/i-aint-no-prince-charming-post-400.html
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@rawdawgbuffalo, I agree. But I do think we are also playing with a double-edge sword. Whatever generalization there are about how women see themselves, we can also generalize that it’s been perpetuated by how men say they want to see us. The bigger problem might be that we’ve duped ourselves into believing that we can attain the”unreal.” how do you escape that?
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Well said. I think it is a woman’s perrogative to like who she likes. I can’t really say where something is unrealistic or not. I look at it like this: a customer walks into a store and wants a green couch. The store doesn’t have it but tries to sell them a red one. Now the customer has the right to say “you know what, I will try that out.” Or they have the right to say, “no thanks, I really want a green couch.” So I say to each its own. I’ve met women I thought was attractive and she started giving me a list of what she wants. If it wasn’t me, I would say “well he’s out there, you’ll find him” lol I think the problem comes when people try to be something they are not. Eventually they can’t keep up the act and the relationship goes downhill.
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@J Kristopher,
All I can say is that I’ve never thought of it that way. When you put it that way lists, make sense, but in reality, I don’t understand how you can shop for love from a grocery list.
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Has anyone used a list to find love?
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Wow… when I was reading that list, the first hing that came to my mind was the “IBM” or “ideal black man” list from “Something New”. I remember watching that part of the movie blowed because I’d never made that type of list.
While in theory that list seems good, it’s a recipe for failure every time. Because even the most “perfect man” can fail you in many ways.
Like the article and many of the commenters, I feel that love will find you where it finds you, if you’re willing to let it in and not be barricaeded by this impossible list of “he should… he will… he must”. As long as you have apartner, someone who makes you laugh, wipes your tears, challenges you but doesn’t doubt you and that you have an attraction to, I’d say you’re set!
Funny thing is, the man I’m with now might not pass “the test”, but I’ve never been happier.
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@Tayo, first, happy to hear you’re happy. I love it. I think some people get a little too academic about even they’re relationships. Like, let me make a chart, some projections…etc. Life’s never worked out that way in any other category, and it’s certainly not going to be that way when you throw in two variables like a man and a woman.
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true words!
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this is so true. I have a few friends who will not compromise on the silliest qualities and are just alone, with their noses in the air…and miserable. I think that American culture is so far gone into being concerned with what other people have that we deny ourselves true happiness, especially when it comes to relationships. Just calm down and focus on what you REALISTICALLY want in life and how your relationship compliments your well being and just live YOUR life.
I also support the friends first theory becoming law
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@Carrien,
You hit the ball right out of the park. They need to start making fairy tales called friends first, and quit with this prince charming mess. You don’t need to be saved, you need to be loved, unconditionally.
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i have a list on my wall but it isnt for things i am looking for in a man. it more about what i deserve in a soul mate. and ms todd is exactly right with her thinking. if my list does anything, its a constant reminder that i should not fall for just any good looking guy. he needs a person i wouldnt mind taking care of if he became ill because i know he would do the same for me
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you know the most important thing that i’ve realized in my current relationship? that you have to allow the other person the space to be wrong. to mess up. to do something totally uncalled for. and then you have to stand by them. be that something they physically do, or something in their personality or physicality that you don’t consider yourself as appreciating. these lists and things that are being talked about are all about finding an idea of perfection that will make your life complete. “if only i met the perfect guy i would be so happy.” but it doesn’t work like that. perfection doesn’t exist in the world. and it shouldn’t. it would be boring. but that’s a digression. back to my point, even if you did meet the perfect guy (hypothetically), you yourself are not perfect. you will mess up sometime. i think that love is found in forgiveness, and many other places in between. there is no “right” person. only the person you choose and who chooses you back. but it’s not easy to really choose someone and never grow slack in that decision. you have to accept someone with all their positives and negatives and love them for (and through) both. after all, don’t you deserve the same unconditional love? don’t you deserve to make a mistake and still be loved? what if your mother gave up on you the first time you did something wrong? i think the amount of divorce these days is a symptom of people (men and women) expecting perfection and being, therefore, unsatisfied by a perfectly viable reality. i actually once met “the guy.” he ticked off all the boxes on my perfection list. really. and i was BORED!!!!! and totally shocked to be so. i couldn’t think of a worse future for myself than marrying that guy and having babies! i WANTED to fall in love with him. but he wasn’t the right guy for me. in the end, i didn’t want to choose him. i think we don’t know what we want until we find it. we think we do, and then we’re wrong. you just have to keep your eyes and your heart open and your feet moving and your hands doing good work.
oh, ps, then there’s falling in love with the guy you “think” he is (the one in your head) and not the guy he shows you he is….. booooooooo.
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Sharron, excellent point about the fact that he should measure up to the list you keep for youself (What do I deserve?) than the superficial attributes list that you might be inclined to propose.
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Sharron, you are so right on! The older I get, the more I realize that I need to get down off my high-horse before I have to ride off alone. I like your point that it doesn’t mean lowering my standards(I’m not capable!), but it’s just a matter of being realistic and accepting hu”mans” for what they are-flawed just like the rest of us. Thank you for you inspiring words!
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One of the things that I’ve learned is that I’ve got to be what I want in a mate; don’t ever think someone is going to complete who you should be already.
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I’m beginning to think that maybe I need a list. My random, kid in a candy store approach is lots of fun and has lead to an interesting collection of ex boyfriends, but no lasting love.
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@MsWorld, lol I like the kid in a candy store approach!! The problem isn’t with a list as much as it is an unrealistic one. I think someone said earlier that we shouldn’t do away with the “must have’s”. Instead we should expect from someone what we expect from ourselves.
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@Sharron Todd, Wow, you’re really good at this! Currently complaining boyfriend is definitely gonna hear a version of that advice. I mean, I expect alot from myself so it is not unreasonable (well at least from my point of view) to expect alot from him
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@MsWorld, It’s good to hear that you expect a lot from yourself. That’s the first place to start. Everyone’s so busy trying to fix other people, they forget what’s on their own plate. Yes, I agree that you can hope for the same from him…but within reason.
If you’re a super “go-getter” and a little bit of a rarity to the average standard…expecting the exact same from him may be a little ambitious. I could go back and forth all day on what we should do…the best thing is to just be reasonable. 
I hope the talk with your boyfriend goes well!!
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I completely agree….there is no “Prince Charming” but if you’re lucky…you can find your own version who is pretty damn close
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Maybe and I mean just maybe, the fact that you guys are even having this conversation in first place is the route of all the problems. Over analysing and ruminating suggests to me that there is not enough of the actual “doing” going on. The things we do and the way in which we do them define who we are. Once you’re happy with “you” then you’ll find that other people will also be happy with “you”. Once other people are happy with “you” then you’ll begin to attract to sort of partner you can be happy with, but the most important thing about my point is this: you won’t know who that person is until you meet them .. so this conversation is a complete waist of all your time!
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@scratchet, I can agree with you that “doing” is important. But I disagree that this conversation is a waist of time. One of my favorite quotes is, “There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it.” I believe that dialogue plays a vital role in our actions. And no one has it completely figured out. Sharing and exchanging ideas to maybe help foster even ONE healthy relationship…well, that’s alright in my book.
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i have to admit that when i was a young girl, i really thought that to be complete i had to get married, but i have learned that being married isn’t all it is cracked up to be.
there are pros and cons for both married and single life.
my boyfriends made me feel more secure than my 2 husbands. i have been in a monogamous relationship for 10 years that i don’t expect to lead to marriage. i just enjoy the hell out of him when i see him, but i am older and don’t plan to have kids.
i think marriage is for having and raising kids, and passing on wealth.
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@enjoy your life, I think it’s wonderful that you’ve found a relationship that works for you. It’s refreshing to hear that someone enjoys their mate after 10 years. I do want to get married eventually, but I don’t necessarily hear “my clock” ticking.
Thanks for sharing!
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I find that when people make these lists, they are creating this person they aspire to be. A lot of people say they want a mate with x amount of money and they haven’t reached that financial goal themselves. Or they want someone with certain physical features they don’t possess, like a muscular man who is fine and takes care of himself, but they themselves sit on the couch everyday and their only exercise is to make up a list of what they want. Being more realistic and even working on themselves to aspire to be what they are asking for will not only open up your options, but it may prevent you from shutting the door on your future man or woman who could possibly be right in front of you already.
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Sharron your article was on point!Fairy tales are only just that fairy tales…I do however feel you can meet “Prince Charming” but not in the sense that he is the “perfect” man and meets all the criteria on a list. As you stated, “Prince Charming” will have more meaningful, sincere attributes than just a tall, dark and handsome guy. He will be loyal, faithful, honest and there when all your flaws are most visible. And he will accept all your flaws as you except his. Woman believe that the first time you meet a man he has to give you butterflys. However, butterflys develop over time. Its the “butterflys” I get when all i can do is think of him. When we are away I am secure. We support each other. And most importantly love with the love God gave us to give to one another.
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True! So many women are single because they are looking for a man that does not exist. We are taught from an early age to wait for our “knight in shining armor” our “prince charming”. The only list we should make is the grocery list. Thank you Sharron for dispelling the myth.
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@Ayaan, thanks for bringing up a good point. We ARE absolutely programmed to believe that there is such thing as a fairytale romance. Where there might be these fantastic moments with a person…life is short on fairytales.
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Good article. True love from the heart doesn’t have any expectations. If you live by those things then what happens when after a year of dating he misses out of one or more of those checkmarks. Do you dump him? Cause he is not “ideal” anymore.
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@C.Johnson, Thank you! there’s more to come.
And thank you for bringing up a valid point. There’s sometimes a fine line between “ideal” and “real.” We have to be able to distinguish between the two.
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well put miss Sharron Todd…well put.
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OMG! You hit it right on the nail! My girlfriends & i talk all the time about what we want & what we refuse to settle for. But this really puts it all in perspective & helps to opens your eyes! Love it! Keep your articles coming